mandag 7. juli 2014

I dream of Grandma

Last night I saw something in my sleep. A sort of dream.

There were only two people in my dream - my grandmother and I. She was in her - now- permanent Alzheimer's "haze" and we were having a surreal chat as we seem to have a lot lately. In the middle of this chat, her eyes came to life and she used a phrase she never uses anymore. Something connected to her pre-Alzheimer's self. What she said is not important, it was the way she said it, and that following that phrase we had a conversation about a movie star she remembered vividly and suddenly she was there, my grandmother, and she knew me and she knew the world and herself and then, in a split second she was lost again.

So I wake up and my whole arm is numb, apparently I had slept on it, and I start shaking it violently as if I am shaking away the thought that my grandmother will ever be who she was again .. and I am crying loudly as if it was the first time, but as I feel the blood returning to my arm again, the crying stops and in I turn silent. And then I fall asleep.

Last week was hectic. I was back home, in Mykonos, and it was summer and the sun was out and my friends and family were there and we swam and tanned and ate good food. And every day I would spend a little time with grandma, some days more than others, but knowing that she will only get worse, I need to see her, even just a little bit, I need to fill my head with moments of her.

We have been taking care of her for approx. four years now. The last year and a half has been more intense, since her Alzheimer's progress seems to accelerate - her kids; my uncle, my aunt and my mom, have been taking turns on looking after her - one or two months at a time. So in October - November my mom and aunt went on holiday and I said I would look after her, I had just finished university and I was not working, so staying in Mykonos to take care of my grandmother sounded like a dream. Love all around. Sometimes it really felt like a dream.

I was exhausted. I worked at a fruit and veg-shop from 8-2 every day, and the rest of my day was dedicated to grandma. It's not much, I know. But after a week, I started feeling it. Some days I left for an hour or two to go running, and I knew she was sleeping and it would be fine. Yes, it was hard. The emotional aspect of it was the hardest, and the most difficult to deal with, because I was alone with her. But it was all worth it. To take care of a family member with Alzheimer's, or any other disease for that matter, you have to look past your own limitations and "zone of intimacy" issues, I made jokes about it and she always laughed! "Look what it's come down to, the granddaughter changing the grandmothers nappies! Isn't it meant to be the other way around?!" And she would burst with laughter, probably because she would see the irony sometimes but also because I was laughing and she thought I was funny.. It's hard to know. Alzheimer's does that to you. You try and fail or succeed and then you take it from there.

At least to a certain point.

Last week was hectic. Grandma's condition has worsened, so up until last week, we used to cut up her food and eat with her, checking how much she put in her mouth and whether she swallowed it or not. I don't remember exactly which day it was, but as I am sitting with her at the table, and she is eating, I see her trying to grab more food than she can handle and putting it all in her mouth - at once. Yes, like a child would do. And as I stop her from doing those things - a thought passes through my mind - if she continues like this, we will be facing a choking incident. I look at her and she takes a bite, then she drops her arms down and her eyes turn to glass, they are open but she is gone, and she drops down into the chair and towards the floor. I react immediately - it was as if I saw it coming - and for a split second I try the Heimlich on her afraid that I might break her rib bones, but as I know that my dad is next door and he is a doctor, I shout like I've never shouted before: DAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!! DAD!!!!! My dad reacts immediately and runs to us, he hits her hard on her back and does the Heimlich, twice, and puts his fingers in her mouth and grabs the three bites of meat she had stored in her mouth.

And she is back.

This all probably happened in 10-15 seconds. But it felt like hours. As she wakes up, my panic sets in, and I run outside, hiding my tears from her. My mom hugs me, she is crying too, and says: "Someone who knows needs to take over."

We can no longer take care of her. She has gotten to a point where she needs constant medical supervision, and we have accepted it.

It was all decided quickly. My mom went to see this amazing nursing home in Athens that deals with Alzheimer's, and she booked her in. She is there now. She has left her house, her life in Mykonos and a part of herself. I think it was supposed to be like this, it all happened so quickly that we didn't have time for goodbyes and closures and all of these things that would have made it even harder.

We all know that she will never come back to her house, and it feels like a chapter of our life has ended too. So in a way, it is an ending.

But it is also a beginning.




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